I can't remember if I posted this one here or not. Nevertheless, here it is:
The other day, I read an article about this guy who had a
noticeable crush on a girl, asked her out. When declined, he pressured her into
taking her out until she finally relented and agreed on the date. When the
inevitable “Not again” came out of the girl, he was heartbroken. The question
was then asked “Who was in the wrong?”
While a fairly mundane story, I could very well relate to
this in my youth. Like 80% of the guys out there (80-20 rule), I had this dating process:
1)
Come across an attractive girl.
2)
Think about her day and night, developing a
non-reciprocal crush on her.
3)
Hint to her my undying love for weeks or months.
4)
When I couldn’t stand it anymore, in some cheesy
fashion, I ask her out.
5)
Stand there devastated as she declines.
6)
Stew about the situation and wonder why she
would go for these jerks who I know will treat her like trash.
7)
Rinse and repeat, developing a more cynical
attitude towards women with each step.
When I was 23, I broke that cycle in my life. I got baptized
into the LDS church and became involved with an entirely different mindset. The
church very strongly opposes sex before marriage, and the youth in the church
follow through on that. Because sex is out of the picture, dating was a much
more casual idea. A date was just a “getting to know you” activity, rather than
a “we are now forming a relationship, whether you like it or not” activity. A
friend and I would do a weekly double date, without even having a date lined
up. I would just talk to a girl from church, and tell her what we were planning,
and ask her out. Eventually, both of us
found our future wives from those dating days.
While I wouldn’t expect the standard reader to do what I did
and join a traditional church, I think there are some things you can do:
1)
Ask her out BEFORE you develop that emotional
hang up.
2)
If she declines, move on. Orbiting in the friend
zone not only wastes your time, it breaks your heart and lowers your status.
Following her like a puppy will not impress her.
3)
Widen the net. Ask lots of girls. It isn’t as
hard if you don’t have the emotional investment in her. Unless you developed
some commitment, keep asking different girls.
4)
Keep dates cheap and simple. They should be
there for you, not your fancy steak dinner. Also, it diminishes the idea that
you have certain expectations in return. Nothing like a round of Frisbee golf
in the park that says “I want to get in your pants”.
5)
Keep dates open and safe. They don’t know you,
so respect that. If you want to show her your secluded cabin in the woods,
maybe the first or second date is not a good time. Double dates and group dates
help her feel more at ease. Stay in public venues.
6)
Have fun with dating. Try to get out of the job
interview mindset. That is done more easily when you don’t have the emotional
hang up.
In a recent interview, Morgan Freeman said his secret to
women (other than be a millionaire actor) is to stop chasing them. He goes on
to say (paraphrasing) “Women are like horses, they will notice you and come up
to look without you doing anything. But if you try to go after one, they will
run”. While isolating and chasing her down until she wears out may work for lion
killing a wildebeest, it will not work so much for a girl you are trying to
build a mutual attraction with. Stop chasing them, invite instead.
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