I’m A Feminist Who Still Wants Some Chivalry In Her Dating Life
Men and women are not equal, neither have they ever been. Biological differences is why men and women are treated differently. Hence, you have chivalry. The problem is with feminism, they want all the rights, without the responsibility. Chivalry is some of the good stuff you get as a woman in the traditional role, but what about the responsibilities like child rearing, being virtuous, taking care of a house? You seem to have a one sided coin.
I believe, like many people, that women and men are equal and therefore should be treated as such. The gender pay gap has to be closed, the sexism displayed by our government has to be burned to the ground, and the patriarchy has to be destroyed. You know, basic stuff. But I’m also a feminist who still wants some chivalry in my dating life. I don’t need to be treated like a princess and spoiled, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with chivalrous men. Here’s why:
1. I’m old-fashioned.
I long for the days when men wore suits, acted like gentlemen, and respected women. Do you remember those days? If you do, then you’re well over 60. I’ve never experienced those days and I’d really like that. We live in a society where it’s practically chivalrous to respect women because common decency has gone out the window.
Liar. you are not old-fashioned. Are you a virgin? You must have gotten that tattoo by accident. Why are you wearing a sleazy nightgown on your profile picture? Did you get married at age 16-18? Do you support women relinquishing the right to vote? Do you feel your primary responsibility is cooking food, cleaning and making babies? Again, you are looking at the traditional responsibilities for men (acting like gentlemen, etc) but ignoring your own traditional responsibilities.
Judging from your photo, maybe you should be taken out to dinner far less. Lose some weight.2. I like to be taken out to dinner.
Although I have many times and will many times again in my life pay for dinner on a date, I prefer if dinner is bought for me. Am I cheap? Hell no. Do I want a free meal? Well, who doesn’t? But more than anything, if I’m making less than my male counterpart, shouldn’t he pay? Also, if I’m willing to pick up the tab sometimes, shouldn’t he? I don’t expect it, but I sure as hell appreciate it.
Dating for men is not enjoyable. It is expensive, it is often a logistical pain to schedule around, it is a pain to dress up, and awkward to make conversation. Many women (probably yourself) wonder why guys are reluctant to ask women on traditional dates. Why should they? Dating is supposed to be an opportunity to see if she is worthy of marriage. If sex is out of the question (you said you are old fashioned), then what is in it for the guy? The median age for marriage is 28 for women and 30 for men. So if it isn't marriage prospects (28 is too old for a traditional man)and it isn't for sex (a traditional man doesn't want a slut), there is no reason to do it. You simply are not that entertaining.
3. I like having the door held open for me.
Getting back to how decency has gone out the window, holding a door open for a woman is considered chivalrous because we live in a society where letting the door slam on anyone, female or male, is almost acceptable. I want the door held open for me, not specifically because I’m a woman but because I have a pulse.
4. I like my seat being pulled out for me.
If a man pulled out a chair for me at dinner, there’s no way in hell I’d take this as him suggesting I can’t do it myself. Of course I can do it myself, but to find a guy who would do such a thing is such a novelty that it would be near-impossible not to fall in love with him on the spot.
Maybe you can wait on your man if you expect niceties from him. Bring him his coat and slippers. Maybe
you can greet him with kindness and pleasantries. Make him his lunch for work. Until women start going out of their way to be courteous towards men, there is no reason you should expect them to treat you any different. Instead of being snarky that they didn't hold the door for you, maybe you can give a
person the benefit of the doubt, like they didn't notice you (you do
look like the invisible sort, BTW) Again, you are asking for privileges
without taking responsibilities.
Acts of chivalry like you mentioned are gifts, not demands. If you think of your date as a hired servant that you can demand these things, you will not appreciate the chair pulled out for you. Gestures like that should not be expected, and you should show appreciation in return.
5. I enjoy being given flowers.
The times in my life that I’ve been given flowers by my male partners, I all but fell over. What had they done that they felt they needed to give me flowers? What an awful thought to have! Sure, I can buy my own flowers, but to be given flowers is proof that someone was thinking about you and not, as I used to think, some sort of apology.
Flowers should be a random (rather rare) gesture. Women enjoy flowers because it is elevating her status, and somewhat reducing his. If the guy has high status in her eyes, it is fine, but if you ever see a woman get flowers from someone she does not respect, it is scoffed at (like she hinted to in her second sentence).
You are physically capable of standing, just like any guy is. If it is someone elderly, or has some handicap issue, I will give them the seat. What if a guy is tired and at the end of his rope, and you are sitting, will you give your seat to him? Doubt it. You may not see this as patronizing, but plenty of women do, or they see it has being hit on, and will use the opportunity to belittle or get a self important status boost. This is something you don't need.6. I want that seat on the train.
Whether it’s the man I’m dating or a random man on the train, if a guy gets up to offer me his seat, I don’t see this as patronizing to me because I’m a woman. Do I deserve special treatment because I’m a woman? No, but if I’m looking tired and clearly at the end of my rope, it’s the polite thing to do. I, in turn, would do it for someone else.
7. I like to be defended.
I don’t need a knight in shining armor to save me, but if I’m out with my partner and someone gives me crap for whatever reason, I want my partner to come to my side and defend me. I don’t want someone who’s going to sheepishly sit there quietly expecting me to fight my own battle when they’ve decided to be my partner. A partnership is just another word for team.
"I don't need a knight...to save me" But you want one. Again, you want the chivalrous acts without having to show appreciation. You want the white knight to hold your hand, and stand up in awkward situations for you? Maybe you should reconsider this "Strong Independent Woman" label. Doesn't sound like much of a team if you expect something different from him than you are willing to do yourself.
You do know that men are far more likely to be the victims of any type of violent crime, don't you? Guys are disposable, I guess.8. I want to feel protected.
Recently I was on a date with someone, who, as we walked, moved himself to the outside of the sidewalk so he was the one closer to the street. It wasn’t that he was suggesting that he, as a man, could fight off any barreling truck in a way that I couldn’t (because no one can beat a truck), but it was an act of protection. I don’t see the problem in wanting to be protected and kept safe. I can do it on my own, but that doesn’t mean I don’t need help sometimes.
You want to be special? There are 7 billion other people out there that want that. Go stand in line.9. I want to be acknowledged.
Ever since I can remember whenever our family went to fancy restaurants my father has always gotten up whenever my mother or I went to the bathroom. This, of course, is an act of chivalry. It’s acknowledging that my presence is going away then coming back. While I don’t know how this gallant tradition ever got started, I do appreciate the old fashioned etiquette of it and am likely to marry the first man who actually does this.
The way you get treated special is by either marrying a mangina that does not respect himself (someone you despise) or, you can treat your husband in kind. My guess is your dad was a mangina by the fact that you became a feminist.
This sounds like a fantasy created by the many romantic comedies you watched. These are like flowers but on a bigger scale. Women love these gestures if the guy already has high status. If he is of low status, he will go to jail for stalking, or at least get dumped for lowering his status so much.10. I believe in the grand gesture.
I’ve experienced the grand gesture twice in my life. The grand gesture is that moment where your partner has this realization that they can’t live without you so they either stand outside your window playing a song (a la Say Anything) or organize a flash mob in Grand Central Station (a la Friends with Benefits). I don’t think there’s anything wrong with this and strongly believe that while I may be a feminist, I’m still entitled to some romanticism in my life. Since chivalry and romance often go hand-in-hand, I’ll take the chivalry, please, if it means getting some romance for a change.
"If it means getting some romance for a change".....well, well, well.....Here lies the crux of your entire article. You proclaimed yourself as a feminist, which means you bought into the mantra that men are not to be respected. It is a pretty safe bet that there was a number of guys that wanted to date you when you were younger, but because of your lack of respect, you treated the good guys like garbage and fooled around on the carousel. You don't respect men, you don't respect yourself (evidenced by your tattoo and your behavior). Why would you expect men to respect you? Respect goes both ways, or neither way, it is your choice.
You sound like Veruca Salt. "Gimme, gimme, gimme" is not a great incentive for men to treat you nicely. A lifetime of snotty, slutty behavior and feminism is the antithesis of deserving chivalry in your life.
Funny thing is, there are women that deserve respect and chivalrous acts. They earned it, and they get those chivalrous acts from the men in their lives. Sorry toots, you aren't one of them. No wonder your husband cheated on you when you were 35 with a 20 year old.
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