Advice to my son - The Friend Zone

The Television Program "Friends" where the term was coined.

Note: My son is turning 15 this month. The LDS Church discourages dating until you are 16, and we are sticking to that policy. However, he is the age where girls are big in his life. The friendzone is something to took me far too long to get, and it killed my early dating life.

 
Most guys have been there at some point in their lives, typically earlier during our lower status era in High School. We want to develop a relationship with a girl and so you try hanging out. You give her special attention and flirt as best as you can. Then comes the time you pop the question and ask her out on some romantic evening.

She loves the attention but says, "I am flattered and all, but I would rather be friends, I don't want to ruin this friendship we have."

So, you pick yourself up, and you try to pretend that never happened and hope to get rid of that awkwardness so you can try asking her out again in a few months, so you try to remain to be her friend. You are officially in the friend-zone. You are now an orbiter.

There are several things wrong with this. Despite enjoying spending time with her, you were never really her friend. You were behaving differently than you would if you were hanging out with other guys. You were defensive of her, you were trying to be her knight in shining armor. But, she saw you changing your behavior for her. In effect, you were following her around and doing what she wants you do do. This drops your status in her eyes. You would of had far better chances if you asked her out when you first noticed her. Of the 4 or 5 girlfriends I had before I got married, I didn't know of them the day before I made a move.

Trying to rebuild a fake friendship will not only waste your time, it will continue to destroy your appeal in the eyes of her and the other prospects around you. The ship sails once you ask. Either she lets you on, or she doesn't.

For years in my early twenties and earlier, I struggled with this like many other guys. I can count the months and years that I put my life on hold for the prospects of some particular woman or another. It is a waste of time.

Instead, once you get the "let's be friends...", tell her "Sorry, but I got lots of friends already", and move on with your life, breaking any ties with her. Maybe you can come back in a few years when she might have a different mindset and she may see you differently, but don't put your life on hold for her.

If you leave, women will often say that you trying to be friends only to win her over only for sex or to get her to be your girlfriend. Don't buy into it. You were looking for a relationship which is a friendship with an attraction and commitment. You were looking for something more and you have the self respect to not become her lap dog, giving her attention. Don't let them destroy your self respect with some worn out "all men are pigs" cliche. The fact of the matter is, if she already knew you had some attraction for her and she uses that to get attention, gifts and favors with no intention to see a romantic relationship, she is the selfish pig. She is the one who is using and manipulating. She is the one wasting the time of others.

On occasion, my wife will bring up that I never wanted to be friends with her. It annoyed her that either I would take her on a date, or I would have nothing to do with her. It was like this off and on for over a year until we went on missions. When I got back, I took another girl out, and created jealousy between my now wife and this other girl. After this, she changed her mindset about me and we started dating regularly and married within the year.

My wife says "I would rather we were friends for awhile so we could get to know each other better before we dated". I remember she had four or five other guys orbiting her as friends. Within a few days of me getting her the engagement ring, those guys dropped out of her life and I am the only one who is friends with her now.