Hot or Cold

 

 

 

Those of us who are Christian are probably familiar with this scripture. Basically. the Lord is telling us that if we do religion half-assed, we are lukewarm, and the Lord won't take us.

 

It got me thinking, this has many other applications. Namely about our marriages. We are all familiar with the half-assed efforts some of us, or all of us from time to time put into our marriage. We come home, sit on the couch to watch sportsball, tell the kids to go play in their rooms, maybe your wife pops a store bought frozen lasagna in the oven, and you eat off paper plates so the clean up is easy. We may let our bodies go, etc. It is like we are stuck in this circular nightmare portrayed in Robin William's "The Best of Times".

 

The question is, where is the flame, the interest and vitality in life? We cannot be just going through the motions and expect to find real joy. Going through the motions may be easier, but is it really? Boring men get cheated on, then divorced. That does not sound easy.

 

She feels safe because of the society we live in, not because of you. With all the safety measures put up, she is looking for some excitement in life. Even that has little risk for her. She can still keep the kids, the wealth, and run around with some strange wang right in the palm of her hands.

In order to counteract this sense of complacency, we need to create some excitement in her life, and in your life. One of the things you need to do is to be hot or cold with your wife. If you two are just sitting on the couch together night after night, watching the latest sitcom, you are doing it wrong. Take her out, even if it is for a walk. Last night, after we put the kids to bed I walked with my wife to the Post Office at 9 PM. We stopped to watch the lightning, then got dumped on. Sure, doing that meant it was too late for sex that night, but it was a break in the routine, which is good.

 

Along with the hot, there is also the cold. While being distant is not healthy, there needs to be some tension in the marriage. Don't be comfortable and rip your shorts in front of her, and call her out if she does something gross as well. Honest communication is key, IMO. You think her potato salad tastes like armpits? Let her know, in a kind but firm way. Like with kids, if you give her nothing but praise, she will get a false sense of reality, and will lose any motivation to improve. Show her that you are working to improve yourself, and ask how she is doing. Despite how feminists portray things, women need to be working on things to improve themselves.

 

Every Sunday evening, we have a "family council". First, I speak with each of the kids, one on one and go over goals they had for the week. We all have a physical, intellectual, social and spiritual goal. I then interview my wife, and ask how she did.  The goals keep us working for and focused on improving. We tack up the goal list on the fridge and check them off as we do them.

 

Above all, stay attractive for her, but expect her to work for you. A subtle, "I think both of us have gained some weight during Covid" can do a lot. Nothing is more disgusting than to see a guy who is busting his tail at work, keeping in shape, and give his wife nothing but praise and admiration when she sits on the couch and gets fat. Don't be this guy. The ironic thing is if the "good man" gets her so complacent in the marriage that she decides she can pull the pin on the fat grenade, or step out and do better, then he will be partly to blame for ruining that marriage that he was working so hard to hold together.The only consolation will be to see her complain "Where have all the good men gone?" in a decade.