According to NCBI, the most common causes for divorce are as follows:
1. Lack of commitment
2. Infidelity or extramarital affairs
3. Too much conflict and arguing
4. Getting married too young
5. Financial problems
6. Substance abuse
7. Domestic abuse
8. Health problems
9. Lack of support from family
10. Religious differences
11. Little or no premarital education
Most all of these reasons can be boiled down to one underlaying issue: Selfishness.
Lack of commitment is putting personal desires above others, which is close to the definition of selfishness. Infidelity is committed by those who don't consider their spouse or children in the face of temptation. Excessive arguing comes from one or both spouses attempting to use coercive means to get their way (selfishness). Financial problems typically come from poor spending habits of one or both partners. Substance abuse may have other factors, but again, the abuser priortizes drinking for their personal pleasure above the needs of the family. Domestic abuse is much like arguing, just on a higher level. Health problems are no different, if the healthy individual is not selfish, they will not file for divorce. I think lack of support from family is when one feels like they are being used by the rest in the family so they get out. Religious differences or lack of premarital education may not be looked at as selfishness, but it does go into rushing into marriage with someone they are not compatible with, or not taking a realistic approach to marriage.
Overcoming Selfishness
The funny thing about selfishness, is it does not create happiness. If you ever been around children, you know they can be incredibly selfish at times. They will grab at toys, scream and throw tantrums, etc. Have you ever noticed they are never happy when they get their way? Same goes for us. We can be selfish in our desire to get what we want, but it does not bring happiness. Happiness comes from within, from helping others, and from knowing we are being a good influence on society.
Why then, are we selfish? Personally, I think much of it stems from our natural desire to survive. We all have our natural needs in life. We want to be rich, fat, and not have to work for it. We want to be comfortable. We have our physical selves and our spiritual selves. Our physical selves want to be comfortable, our spiritual selves want to be happy. The trick is to realize that comfort is not happiness.
We may throw a tantrum and get the new car we want, but it will not bring lasting happiness. On top of this, it comes at a cost. The cost is damaged relationships with your loved ones, strained bank accounts, and increased focus on one's self. If you really want the car, you may try another approach. Talk about your desires, and save beforehand. You may sacrifice some of your personal desires for a time until you can afford it comfortably.
I hear of many couples who treat each other like room mates, and refuse to do those small acts for one another, or keep a mental tally of who did what and when. Stop that. Just be kind, and show little acts of kindness anyway. If you feel like the favors are one-sided and you are giving with few signs of appreciation or favors in return, maybe you need to speak up. There may be reasons you overlooked or even know about of why she seems cold and distant. I really found that bringing up matters at times when you are openly talking are much better than during the stressful incidents which you feel snubbed.
Certainly, as you develop unselfishness and you each seek the interest and comforts of your spouse first, you will have a very strong and loving bond. If you are missing the acts of selflessness in your marriage, follow the Nike slogan and "Just Do It". Try to do kind acts to her as much as is practical. It can be as simple as taking her plate to the kitchen, or more grandiose like building her a greenhouse for her garden, but do it, without her nagging or demanding. Personally, I try to ignore negative encouragement to do kind acts, like taking out the garbage or whatever. Do it on your own time, or if she asks nicely. You may negotiate too, "OK, but I want a pumpkin pie tomorrow", or if the kids are outside, "OK, but I want you to put on that red outfit tonight". Hopefully she will follow through.
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