A near-decade of marriage covers a lot of history for a couple. Some things are unchanging. Some things change quite a bit.
I was struck recently by an embarrassing realization. Over the years my wife had a habit that annoyed me. Nothing wrong, just annoying. I just now realized a few days ago that she no longer did it and -- more importantly -- I was disappointed. I had been harboring a subtle resentment just because I enjoyed it.
That's pretty sick.
Resentment is pleasurable. I'm not sure why. Perhaps it is the mental story that I am the good guy and the other person is the bad guy. Perhaps it is the satisfaction of knowing that my happiness is out of my hands and I am not accountable for it. I don't know. I do know that my reluctance to let go was both surprising and troubling to me.
Some people never let go and in fact build their whole lives around the ecstacy of resentment. I know a few. I bet you do too. They are miserable and do not want to escape. What would they do with themselves if they did?
Self improvement has value in the realm of physical & mental skills but has no power over the moral or spiritual dimension of man. Like free atoms in an inertial frame we can change our configuration but not our trajectory. We can make any number of choices but will only make the choices we want unless something outside ourselves comes along with different ideas.
I wonder if all the big changes, the really worthwhile ones, come as a result of outside forces. If so all the things with which we occupy ourselves are the avoidance of those outside forces or busy work or the temporal unpacking of what are from an eternal viewpoint just static traits.
I don't have an answer for this except to say it is humbling.
Comments
Post a Comment