We all have been there, a long day at work, maybe some squabbling over a meaningless misunderstanding, maybe you had too many burritos the previous night, and you are now suffering with indigestion. Those little hiccups in your attraction certainly come. After 17 years of marriage and six kids, I can certainly attest that maintaining the attraction between the two of us requires effort from both of us.
What is Attraction?
Attraction in this sense is a feeling of liking your spouse, and in being sexually interested in them. One difficult thing about attraction is you cannot force someone to be attracted to you. What is more, you cannot force yourself to be attracted to anyone either. Attraction is not a choice. You become attracted to someone when you see positive traits in that person, and you develop a natural yearning to be with them.
Those of you who are into gardening are well aware that you cannot "make" a plant grow. But what you can do, is create an environment where that plant grow and flourish. Same thing with attraction, you cannot make your wife be attracted to you, but you certainly can hit the gym, show integrity, and be respectable. Her attraction to you will naturally grow as you do these things.
For The Men
We all can work to drive up our attractiveness. We can work out and maintain your weight, improve your hygiene, dress a little better, show more confidence, maybe take on some interesting hobbies, or further your profession. All of these help increase your status, which will create an atmosphere where her attraction toward you will likely grow.
Moreover, as you are working on yourself to become more attractive, spend time with her, both in and out of the bedroom. And no, both sitting on the couch, watching a TV show is not spending time with her. Shut the TV off, and go for a walk with her, play a board game or whatever, but do things that involve active interaction. Much of a woman's attraction is built outside of the bedroom.
Flirt with her. Yes, you can and should pat her on the rump, or tell her some risque double entendre. There are a million ways to do it. She may like texts or just a straightforward, "do you wanna go for it?" Whatever you do, mix it up, keep it interesting, and keep her thinking about it and wanting more.
Take control in the bedroom and keep things interesting. I’m not saying to force her into things she isn’t comfortable with, but push buttons and keep her guessing on what will come next. Going vanilla every time gets boring. Maybe an outfit, a different location, or a game of some sort from time to time will help make things interesting. Use your imagination.
For The Women
For much of it, it is very similar. You too, can maintain your weight and work to stay in shape, improve your hygiene, and dress a little better. However, men and women are different in other areas that they find attractive. Most men really are not attracted to status driven women. We want you to be along for the ride, to be cheerful and lovely. Guys want their wives to carry this aura of innocence overall, but a dirty vibe towards them and only them.
As men, we are attracted to the thoughtful details that shows that you are attracted to us. A flirty attitude, maybe an "accidental" brush of a certain body part as you pass in the hallway, or a surprise outfit at bedtime can really make it interesting for the evening.
Most of the time, the amount of sex you two have is limited by the amount she wants. For this I can say, do not limit sex for petty or manipulative reasons. Sure, you may be recovering from having a baby or have the flu, that is not what I'm referring to. Nobody likes to be rejected for seemingly petty reasons. Keep in mind that if you are rejecting sex from him, you are making it tougher for him to be confident the next time, and you are effectively driving a wedge between you two. Carried on long enough, and this will destroy marriages. Rarely do divorces happen when there is regular (3x-5x/week) and interesting sex going on.
Both Of You
Mutual attraction is important, it is what separates a proper marriage from a room-mate situation. Keep the bedroom as a place of solace within your home. If you have kids, make them sleep in their own rooms. Get a lock on your door, and use it often. You may need a radio in your bedroom to drown out any noise if you have kids that may listen in. No TV's though. Electronics are a relationship killer. If you have issues with playing on your phone, leave it in the living room at bed time. There is a time for that, not at night with your spouse when you should have no other distractions.
Go on regular exclusive outings together. My wife and I do our weekly grocery shopping, walk to the post office, and a few other things without the kids. But do some special date nights with her as well. Both of you get dressed up, go out dancing, go park under the stars, or go out to eat, whatever you enjoy, at least on a monthly basis.
While in the bedroom, remember it takes her more time to turn on. Caress her, lightly run your fingers over her. I don't want to go into explicit details, but have some patience with her. At the same time, ladies, respond positively when he is trying to give you that attention. Too much rejection is not a challenge for him, it is a snub. Ladies, you may not be in the mood at the moment, but go with it anyway. Your mood can change rather quickly if you just allow it to.
If you have a dead or lackluster bedroom (less than weekly when there are no health related issues), you may need to start off by taking a book on marital sex which you two find that may be beneficial and reading it together. If that doesn't work, I would recommend couple's counseling. You two may be able to work things out and improve from there. Even if you have a decent sex life, you can improve it by discussing issues brought up as you read certain books. You may even go to a sex shop and find some books or other things there to help spice things up a bit. Like a clogged sink, it is much easier to get the fluids flowing better if you already have something going on.
Conclusion
Mutual attraction and a healthy, guilt free sex life is what keeps marriages healthy and is what separates marriages from all other sorts of relationships out there. Keep that romance alive, and you will have something that most people out there are jealous of.
Assignment - Find a book that would benefit the two of you in whatever your current situation in the bedroom. Read and discuss a page or so per night. If anyone in the comment section has good book recommendations, let us know.
Also, put together a regular exercise regiment and work at it. Write down a long term vision of yourself and set appropriate weekly goals to achieve that. Revisit those goals weekly and adjust accordingly.
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