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| Few Can Make Anger Look Good |
God put us together in families. They are crucial building blocks in society and in the kingdom of heaven. In families, we learn and build relationships like we cannot do anywhere else.
Because of this, the family is one of Satan's primary target. He is waging war on the family in several different ways. He is confusing the roll of husband and wife, destroying the concepts of chastity, the marriage covenant and parenthood, and many other things. One of the more powerful schemes he uses is to sew the seeds of contention within the family. He tries to prompt us to be angry with the ones we love the most.
Anger is a Choice
We have the choice to be angry. One of Satan's tools is to disassociate anger from agency (our freedom of choice). We all have heard the excuse, "He made me mad", or several variants of it, like "I lost my temper", or "I'm just hot-headed". All of these phrases attempt to remove accountability from ourselves.
No one can make us mad, we don't "lose" our tempers. It is not an accident that is out of our control. We all have been in situations where we been slighted by either a boss, a coworker, or an uncomfortable situation. Why did we not fly off at the handle and throw a tantrum like a three year old then? We all can be in control of our emotions. Men and women both can bite their tongues in front of our bosses, why are there so many that refuse to in front of their husbands, wives, or children?
Example
In his sophomore year, Willbanks tried out for the high school basketball team and made it. On the firs day of practice, his coach had him play one-on-one while the team observed. When he missed an easy shot, he became angry and stomped and whined. The coach walked over to him and said, "You pull a stunt like that again and you'll never play for my team." For the next three years he never lost control again. Years later, as he reflected back on this incident, he realized that the coach taught him a life-changing principle that day: anger can be controlled.
Consequences of Anger
When we become angry, we are yielding ourselves do Satan's influence and dropping our desire for self control. All too often, we allow anger to trigger a flurry of cruel words which will scar a tender heart. Christ once said, "Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man; but that which cometh out of the mouth, this defileth a man." How often have we heard someone go on a loud obnoxious, potty-mouthed rant. How does it change our opinion of them? Now imagine if that is you ranting on about something rather insignificant to our own family? That would defile us. Unless the house is on fire, you should never yell at your husband or wife.
Even more so, hitting or other forms of physical altercation in anger is never justified, and is always unrighteous. If you are in a situation where a child needs to be spanked as punishment, make sure you are calm and collected first. Hitting out of anger can and will have damaging effects that will linger longer than whatever the punishment is for.
"Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged." - Colossians 3:18-21.
We Can Commit to Not Lose Our Tempers
Like Wilbanks in the basketball story, we too can commit ourselves to not act out in anger. Maybe we need to set regular goals or put up reminders within the household. We could reward ourselves for going a day without saying or doing something regrettable. Like any habit, consistency is key to changing them.
Perhaps you have a teenager who likes to provoke you to anger. I certainly have one of those. Maybe two years ago, my oldest boy went through this phase of just trying to get us to flip out. Short of abusing the kid, I reacted in ways I shouldn't have. What is funny is after one particular incident, my wife and I discussed the matter and decided we need to take a different approach before we end up alienating the kid altogether. Instead of yelling back at one of his tirades, we decided to just separate ourselves from the situation. Maybe send him down to his room until tempers cooled down a bit. It is difficult when you are in the heat of an argument, but it is possible.
When you are in an argument, keep in mind that they are not listening to you either. They are only thinking of counter-points to what you are saying, just like you are doing. It does absolutely no good to keep discussing matters when voices are raised. It is better to come back when you both can discuss in a logical manner.
No Need to Argue
This weekend, I was planning (in my head) of taking my oldest son who just turned 16 out to shop for a car as he just got his driver's license. I spent a couple hours online, looking at car ads, making some phone calls and planning a trip to a dozen or so cars to look at. My wife comes up and sits on the desk and asks "what are you doing?". I suppose I mentioned doing this several weeks ago, but she didn't like the idea now. There was a little tension in the air over this, so I get up and go clean out our cars as she is finishing up homeschooling for the day.
About an hour later I finish up and go to change, she comes in and asks if we can discuss this. "Let's go food shopping in Salt Lake City, we'll talk about it then. So, she makes a quick lunch and we go. Now that the tension is gone and we are in a good environment where we can talk without the kids butting in or other distractions, we talk about how we should do this in a way that our son learns responsibility and still can have a car of his own to drive before he wrecks mine. We decide to keep him riding the bus to school and charging him $0.50/mile until he gets a job, then help him pay for a car with that money he pays us. Charging the mileage will greatly reduce his wanting to play around and go for long drives, but will still make it available in the future.
But that's not the point. Point is, instead of being confrontational and letting emotions take control, we put off the conversation until we could discuss this in a rational manner and discussed it with give and take to find the best solution overall.
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