Strengthening the Family Part 14 - Resolving Conflict

 

As husband and wife, you two came up from different backgrounds. You probably have different hobbies, slightly different values, different tastes, different circumstances. This is not a bad thing. Part of our existence on Earth is learning to cope with different ideas. Naturally, when we have different ideas about what is best. we will have conflict.

Definitions

First of all, we need to define some things. A conflict is a general term ranging from something meaningless like who took the last brownie, or as big and costly as World War 2. With two individuals, the conflicts range as follows: 1) polite disagreement, 2) Bickering 3) Arguing 4) Fighting 5) Violence. For a healthy couple, 95% of the conflicts should stop at level 1 with only a few examples of going to level 2 and never beyond that. Conflicts become arguments or fights when one or both allow their anger to affect their behavior during the conflict. 

A polite disagreement is no harm. You want to go to the car show this weekend, she wants to go to the parade. There really isn't any issue in this, you may find a compromise and take the kids that want to go to the car show, or just go along with her. While there is no score keeping in the marriage, both should try to compensate, or give up something (possibly unrelated) in return. You go to the parade, but she gives you a good back rub later on that night.

Bickering is a mild argument. Occasionally, there may be issues where both feel like there is something at stake. There is some tension and you may both feel your blood pressure rise and have some unhappy feelings, but you both maintain your tone of voice and both avoid hurting the other’s feelings. The subject stays on topic. Logic is still important in the unpleasant discussion. Whatever you finally decide, you reconcile fairly quickly. Maybe you will have to do something special to make it up to her or vice versa.  

Arguing is the point where real communication breaks down and you let emotions take over. Voices are raised, veins pop out. If you find yourself in this situation, it is better take some time and revisit this later. Hurt feelings, feelings of contempt and unhappiness are not worth the thing you two are arguing over. Stop it, repent, apologize, and improve yourself. The only time you should speak to each other with voices raised is if the house is on fire. Many guys say you can't win an argument with a woman because she goes straight to the emotional. The fact of the matter is, nobody wins in an argument. Whatever is shouted at each other will land on deaf ears and there is nothing but hostility and resentment shared.

Beyond arguing is fighting. This stage of conflict will have some lasting consequences. At this stage, mean and hurtful things are said, or rather shouted at each other. There may be shoving, slapping, wrestling, or minor destruction of property, but not a real intent to injure the other party.  Many couples get divorced when they allow the conflicts to escalate to this point. However, even at this point, reconciliation is still possible. For reconciliation, there should be time, professional counseling, and a real demonstration that behaviors are changing to avoid it from happening again. This is the level of conflict that men need to be especially careful to avoid as this will get the attention of police and white knights for men, but not for women. Unfortunately, many women know this and will try to get men to this level of conflict so they have backup. If you are involved with someone that does this, get out.

Beyond fighting is violence. This is at the level that attracts attention of the neighbors and police. Punches thrown, major destruction of property, weapons involved, assault, possibly murder. There is real intent to injure the other party. At this point, someone should be going to jail and you need to get out to protect yourself and your kids.

Escalation

I've seen women walk around with shirts that say "I can go from zero to B###H in 2.3 seconds". This is neither attractive or funny. Many out there are proud of their quick tempers. If you do this, re-read my last article about anger and improve yourself. 

 

When the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor to start WW2 with the US, they escalated the conflict. We had a trade embargo on them, and there was real tension, but we considered the attack to be a cheap shot and it rallied us onto a war footing quickly.

 

Same thing goes in a couple's conflict. You have a polite disagreement about something, and you start to let your emotions take over and you start bickering, then you just escalated. You are in the wrong for doing that. At this point, instead of remaining civil, you just escalated, and they will respond in kind.  With each level, you increase the damage, stress the relationship, and you make reconciliation more difficult. Escalation does nothing to resolve the conflict. Just like in WW1 with the introduction of mustard gas, all it did is make the conflict tougher for each to go through and harder to resolve in the end. Better to resolve it at the lowest level possible.

 

A common way to avoid it is to call out your spouse on it and/or removing yourself from the situation and revisiting it at a later time. You have a disagreement about something and she raises her voice. You tell her "Hold on, you are raising your voice, lets talk about this later this evening" and change the subject. If she persists, say "Lets talk about that this evening" and leave for at least 15 minutes. You shouldn't refuse to talk about it altogether though, that is passive/aggressive childish behavior and will only increase tension. Things need to be discussed and running away from certain issues will strain other areas in your marriage.

On the same token, if you are the one who raises your voice or escalate in some other way, stop and think about what you are doing before you say or do something you will regret. Stop and count to ten, maybe change the subject or do whatever you need to do to avoid hurting you wife. 

One Technique to Avoid Escalation

People escalate their conflict when they believe that they are not getting their point across and that they can better get their point across by escalating. But, what happens is as people escalate, emotions flare and communication actually breaks down. You may have "won" but not really. Communication did not happen, and therefore no changes will take place. All you have really done by escalating is increase resentment, destroy trust, and destroy your ability to be taken seriously in the future. Nobody likes or respects a raving lunatic. Keep in mind, if you have a relationship, they should be on your side.

 

If you believe the subject matter you need to discuss will easily end up in an argument, one effective way to work around unintentionally escalating the conflict is by using a technique called "intentional dialogue". This method attempts to remove the emotion from an argument and communicating deliberately by following a pseudo-script while you are discussing matters.

The discussion has two parties, the sender and the receiver. It comes in three parts, Mirror, Validate, and Empathize. Once you have done those three parts, you two reverse roles and repeat the process. If there are any further counterpoints, reverse roles and repeat again. Continue until the conflict is resolved.

Open the discussion first. Ask if they have time, and state your intention.

Sender (her): I have something that has been bothering me, do you have 15 minutes for an "intentional dialogue? I wanted to talk about me not getting enough sleep." (call it an intentional dialogue so they know what is up)

Receiver (him), "Hold on, making myself a sandwich." Five minutes later, "OK, want to go to the bedroom to talk?"

Mirror, Receiver tries to repeat back what the original statement is, but use different ways to say it. No response at this point, just a restatement of what they said. If not, try again until both are in agreement with what is said.

Sender (her), "I feel that you have been staying up too late playing video games lately and I have a hard time getting enough sleep because of that."

Receiver (him), "So what you are saying is you don't want me to play video games in the evening so you can get to sleep earlier?"

Her, "Not really. What I'm saying is I don't want you to play them so late."

Him, "So you want me to stop playing at a certain time?"

Her, "Bingo"

Validate, state the logic of their point of view. “You make sense because....”

Receiver (him), "That makes sense because you need typically need more sleep than I do and I keep you awake sometimes".

Sender (her), "Thank you"

Empathize say, I can see why you feel that way because .....

 Receiver (him), "I can see why that would bother you because you get tired more easily.

(her), "Love you"

Reverse repeat.

Him (now sender), Can I bring up something?

Her, "Sure." 

"If I go to bed earlier, I will certainly wake up earlier, or in the middle of the night."

blah..blah...blah...

Resolve Build a relationship of trust. Both give a little. Make specific commitments, and follow through with those commitments. 

Her, "So we are agreed. You come to bed by 10:00 and I'll make you breakfast in the morning. If you wake up too early in the morning, go ahead and play your video games or exercise while I sleep in and then I will make you breakfast."

Him, "Sounds like a plan"

Two weeks later: Her, “Thank you so much for coming to bed at 10:00. It really helps me out.....”

The intentional dialogue method of communicating works well for touchy or uncomfortable topics (sex is big), not just things that will likely blow up into arguments. My wife and I have used it a few times. It is awkward at first, but it really helps at times. Eventually, you may find that you are doing it without even realizing it. 

Conclusion

No need to escalate conflicts, we tend to do that when we let our anger and frustration dictate our actions, or we do that when we run out of logic to our argument. Be proactive and intentional about your dialogue and it will save a lot of heartache, possibly marriages. 

Some tips:

1. Don't let little things that bother you build up until you explode.  (KISS)
   
2. Stick to the subject at hand. (KISS)
   
3. Don't bring up history.(KISS)
4. Separate yourselves from your kids or public to discuss matters. (KISS)
   
5. Try to use "I" sentences instead of "you" sentences. (avoid escalation)
   
6. Be loving and kind during your discussion. (avoid escalation)
   
7. Be open to asking for forgiveness and be willing to forgive. (Resolve)
   
8. Treat each other after your conflict.  (Resolve)
9. Follow up and compliment any improvements. (Resolve)

Assignment 

As a couple, read through this and role play through the dialogue or use a real world example if one of you has something that needs resolved. Read the script just prior. Then work on maintaining your composure, avoid escalating and follow the script. Keep your dialogue simple, on point, and work to resolve the problem together. Remember, your husband/wife is on your side, they are not your enemy.