We all have been there, we are bickering about one topic or another. The conversation seems to be going round and round with no end in sight. Words are being said, but nothing is communicated.
Personally, this is one of the bigger issues with my older kids. They may ask a question but they fail to listen. Instead of taking in what I am trying to tell them, they are busy thinking up some witty retort or doing their best to Change the subject if they know they are in the wrong.
What to do if they are not listening
If they are not listening, your natural inclination is to pin them down and shout in their face. Not only does this build contention and resentment, it does not work. Instead, slow down and ask questions as to why they are feeling this way. Often, their refusal to listen comes from a response to your own refusal to listen. Try to demonstrate your love and concern for them.
For a few years now, my 16 year old son and I have butted heads on one disagreement or another. I understand he is learning to become independent and be on his own. He does try my patience and I will get into heated arguments with him at times. I am hoping these are just growing pains. At the end of the day, I do love him, and I am working harder to demonstrate that by complimenting him, giving him attention or taking interest in what he does. Slowly he is either coming around or maturing. Whatever the case, he seems to be listening to me more.
Questions to get Information vs Questions to Put Them On the Spot
We all know the lawyer’s tactic of asking questions to trip them up. When bickering about something, watch out for those tactics and repent if you find yourself doing them. You have to keep reminding yourself that you are on their side. Tripping them up in conversation doesn’t win any points for anything besides maybe feeding your ego. There is no third party to please in these situations. This conversation is between you two. They will shut down, and resent you.
Instead, ask softball open ended questions. Build a warm friendly conversation and build a relationship with them. Then you can get the information you need.
The Commitment Pattern
When I was a missionary serving in Ireland, we were often taught “the commitment pattern” which is a method to help people make and keep commitments such as coming to church, quitting smoking, et cetera. This methodology can be applied to many areas in life when working with people.
First, you start off be building a relationship of trust. Take time to get your wife or kids (or coworkers for that matter) to see that you are on your side. This is more than buttering them up to manipulate them. Demonstrate that you love them, that you want the best for them and that you can be trusted. This may take some time.
Second, explain the principle. This may be something like safety for the reason why you don’t want your son out past 11pm. Do it in a calm tone that is not nagging or condescending. Help them see your love and concern for them to keep that relationship of trust.
Third, ask a direct “will you” question. Asking a straightforward “Will you come home by 11pm?” Goes a long ways to establish expectations. Have them respond, yes or no. In order for them to acknowledge and to put accountability on themselves, rather than you telling them to be back by 11. You may respond with expectations and consequences.
Fourth, “follow up”. Establish that you will follow up on their commitment to see if they really did. It may mean you waiting up until they get home, or having them call. Either way, acknowledging them when they did or did not do what they promised sets up expectations for the next time.
Conclusion
Listening is far more than hearing what someone is saying. Responding and following up are just as important. But in order to get them to listen in the first place, they need to trust you. This means they need to believe you love and care for them.
Comments
Post a Comment