If there is one consistent theme here on Earth, it is that no matter what, you will deal with adversity. Whether a death or serious illness in the family, loss of a job, a burned down house or whatever, those storms will come. What is different for many individuals and families is how people respond to those stressful situations.
A few years ago a good friend of ours took his wife on a date with his wife. He had his sister babysit their baby and she put the kid down for the night to sleep in their crib. When they got home, they checked on the baby and the little girl was dead. The investigation concluded that it was sudden infant death syndrome, but his sister beat herself up, trying to come up with something she could have done differently. Meanwhile, the mom was an emotional wreck and he was doing his best to be a strength. A few months go by and they start fighting, he is saying life needs to go on, she says he is lacking empathy. About a year later, they divorce.
What struck me is they were a good couple. Both were good honest people. They just mourned the death of their baby differently. While we all grieve differently, we cannot expect everyone to deal with it the same.
Dealing With Adversity
Last week, I talked about finding joy through variety. This is especially true when dealing with adversity. Take time to exercise, notice the little things, and make a point to work with your family as you go through these things.
Watch little children and how they behave. They really don’t need much to get them interested. A box or a sheet of bubble wrap can keep them entertained for hours. All too often, we demand the biggest and the best to find it interesting. Take pleasure in the simple things of life. Maybe go for a walk and throw rocks in a pond. If all you have left in this life is a cardboard box, you need to know how to appreciate it. Take that time to mourn properly, but have the resolve to get back into the game soon after.
Brutal honesty is also sometimes important. Did you get fired or get into a stressful argument with your wife? Take an inventory of yourself and ask yourself what you could have done better. "Pride goeth before destruction, and an haughty spirit before a fall." - Proverbs 16:18. We all too often are the makers of our own misfortune and instead of correcting the things we can, we blame others around us and exacerbate the problem by stirring up contention with those we love.
I know it sounds counterintuitive, but service is often the key to find happiness again. Take the time to help those around you. It is not hard to find others that have it worse than you. Doing so will help you take your mind off of self, and help you find joy again in life.
Find some time to count the blessings you have in your life. Think to include your faith, your family, your friends, your abilities, and whatever else you have in your life going for you. All too often, we tend to dwell on the negative. Make that inventory in your mind, or if needed, on paper.
My Story
Around 2009, with the housing market collapse, I found myself out of work. Being a Civil Engineer who specializes in land development is not a good trade if you are in the tail end of a housing bubble. I drove all around the west, looking for work in various cities. I finally found work in South Dakota about in September. The place we were planning to rent there fell through, so we rented this renovated motel room. My wife and three little kids were crammed into a one bedroom apartment. We had to sign a six month lease to get into the place. Soon after, we discovered bedbugs. No matter, I had a good job, or so I thought. About 3 weeks later, the guy I was working for brought me into his office and told me he hired me, anticipating that he was getting this big contract which fell through. Now that winter was approaching, the job market was terrible. I spent 40-60 hours looking for work, another 20 hours working part-time as a waiter. We had some savings, but we burned through it during the following 4-5 months, along with our food storage dwindled.
My wife was always frugal with money, but we really pulled our belt tight with that episode. I spent countless hours on the computer filling in applications, writing cover letters, or traveling to nearby Engineering companies, looking for work. All this time, my wife was right by my side, encouraging me, helping me where possible, and taking care of the house and kids. While adversity often drives people apart, this episode brought the two of us closer together.
Also, I was very impressed with the charity of people who were aware of our situation. One guy lived in that same complex as us. He was dirt poor, but searched around to find some coats for us in that South Dakota winter. When Christmas was approaching, we get a knock on the door and I go to answer it. Nobody was there, but there was a plethora of gifts left on the doorstep. Hanging on the doorknob was this envelope with a Christmas Card and $1,000 in it. 12 years later, and I am still getting choked up writing about this. There are some very good people out there. Since then, I have done my best to pay it forward to others.
Come February, I finally found work very close to where I grew up. While I did not enjoy going through all that in South Dakota, I am glad we did. Even our bedbug problem cleared up. While moving back, we stopped overnight near Yellowstone and slept in a motel. It got down to about -10 F which would have killed all of those horrible little creatures. By the time I got my first paycheck from my new job, we had blown all our savings, and we had about $50 in our checking account.
Conclusion
While none of us like going through adversity, it can make or break us. A couple years after my brother's wife died of cancer at 23, leaving him to raise a son on his own, he tells me in a way he was glad that happened. He learned how to take responsibility and did what it takes to see that his boy gets raised up right.
The same goes for my South Dakota story. We learned how to come together as a couple in adversity, we learned the value of supporting one another. We learned the importance of having an emergency fund. We learned how to appreciate the little things when the little things is all we had left.
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