Dealing With Death

 

Sometimes We Can't Find the Answers

About a week ago from the time that I wrote this (in January), my wife received a phone call from a friend at church. There is this 20 year young woman that we know well from church who was driving a few hundred miles back to college after spending the weekend with her family. As the story goes, she was driving along in a small car, hit a patch of ice and veered into an oncoming pickup. They hit head on and she was killed on impact.

Today, we are helping to prepare for a funeral for this beautiful young woman whose life was snuffed out in an instant. I could only imagine what her parents are going through. She is the oldest of two good kids and was a wonderful and kind person at church from the time we knew her as a little girl.

Whenever a tragedy like this occurs, we hear comments like “God had work for her to do and was taking her home”. Other people might say, “It was just dumb bad luck, God had nothing to do with it.”

To me, it is a real trial of my faith when I see bad things happen to good people. I will find myself questioning why God would allow things like this to happen. 

In Matthew 5:45 we read, “for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.”. I suppose that also applies with dishing out crap. We all get trials in life and it is those trials that help make us strong, whether we are the just or the unjust.

Ever since Adam and Eve ate the fruit in the garden of Eden, we have been subjected to misery, death, temptation and a host of other things that we don’t want. But I have to ask, “Why would God even bother putting the fruit there in the first place?”. Perhaps God knew that by allowing us to subject ourselves to pain and death, we would come to appreciate the good things of life when it is available. Then, by giving us a way back through the love and sacrifice of Christ, we may know true happiness in the eternities, where it really matters.

Twenty-some years ago, my brother’s wife came down with lymphatic cancer and died at the age of 24, leaving my brother alone to raise their one year son while going to college. It was a terrible time for my brother, but with a responsibility like that, he forced himself to sack up and get it done. My brother gained a lot of maturity in a short time by overcoming this adversity. Similarly, I think with this tragedy, God will use it to shape the people around her into what he wants. About a year later, he remarried to a woman with two kids of her own and they raised those three together. 

That young woman may be dead, but death is not the end. One day, she will be resurrected and she will meet her family once again. In the grand scheme of things, the 60 or so years that she missed on this Earth is not a big deal if you consider how much an eternity is. 

THE GRIEVING PROCESS

According to medical news today, the stages of grief are shock, denial, anger, bargaining, depression, testing and acceptance. Depending on how close you are to the individual who died, this process will take up to two years. I know with my brother, he already started the grieving process when his wife got so sick that we knew that she wouldn’t make it. 

Shock is a feeling of surprise when we hear bad news. It is a numb disbelief response to trauma, whether mental or physical. This stage dissipates rather quickly as the fight or flight hormones wear off. 

Denial is common, we may think there was a mistake or they will recover or whatever. Both shock and denial are a chemical defense response that our bodies use to get out of a situation. 

Anger comes as we realize the situation. We may be mad at the snow plowers for not salting the road, the slow first response team, at God for allowing this to happen or whatever. Regardless if you are mad or not, it does not change much. Sometimes people will hold onto this anger, damaging themselves in the process. Forgiveness may difficult in some circumstances, but it is the only way to move on.

Bargaining may come at any time, but it may come as prayers asking for things to not be as they are. Usually a fruitless endeavor. We cannot take their place. At most, we can only join them, which is no good. 

Depression is common when reality hits. We have a neighbor whose husband died from pneumonia in 2021 and is struggling with depression. My wife and I visit her on occasion, but it is difficult to get her to talk about positive things in life. All I can suggest is to get out, socialize and get help if needed. 

Testing may sometimes come near the end of the grieving phase. It may come as a change in lifestyle, a sudden change in friends or seeking new relationships in a haphazard way. For many, this would appear as a midlife crisis. In essence, individuals who do this are testing out new things in a way to keep the same tragedies from happening again.

Finally, there is acceptance. The individual who is going through the grieving process finally forgives whoever needs forgiveness, they accept what has happened and moves forward with life. 

THE NECESSITY OF HEALING

Several years ago, I had a friend whose infant son suddenly died one night. They woke up in the morning to find a cold lifeless child laying in their crib. At the time, they had two other toddlers in their home. It was a very stressful time for the two of them. He dealt with the pain by bottling it up and focusing on things that needed to be done, maybe like the denial phase. Meanwhile, his wife pretty much locked herself in her room and cried for months, perhaps going through depression. Through this, they fought more and more as she would accuse him of not caring about their son and he wanted her to "just get over it" (my words, not his) and help out in their family again as things needed to be done. Eventually, they split up for a time. So not only was their son dead, but there was severe emotional damage throughout the family. 

Eventually, they did agree to get some counselling as a family and they repaired their marriage, but it was a close one. Now, they both have accepted their loss and are moving forward together. 

CONCLUSION

Death stinks. It is tough to understand why things like that happen when it comes to losing loved ones. But life moves on. Best you can do is hold onto those that are still here and appreciate the time you have with them. As you do so, you will be able to go through the grieving process more smoothly and quickly. 

https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/grieving-process