Going Steady

 

  

Starting to get serious 

So, you have spent a few months getting to know a certain woman. You have been dating her and a lot of other women at this time. Neither of you have been exclusive up to this point.  But you been in her house, met her friends, she told you her background and you haven't spotted any glaring red flags. You enjoy being around her a lot and you think you may have picked a winner. At this point, although you have been dating around, you are losing interest in dating any others. You sense the same thing from her. What next?

Well, now that you feel like you can start committing to her, it is not the time to get on one knee and promise her anything. Instead, you really need to talk. You need to see that she is willing to commit to you with the same energy that you are thinking of committing to her. If there is a mismatch, attraction will wane, and you will quickly find yourself single again. 

The Talk

You may start off by asking where she sees herself in five years. If she says she envisions being married or having kids, keep going. If she avoids the subject or only talks about her career or other adventures, you will need to keep dating others, and probably drop her off of your rotation. Ask her if she would want to date exclusively. If she says yes, lay out some ground rules on what exclusive means. 

1) No more dates with others, no more physical contact with others. 

2) No more bars/clubs by herself or yourself.

3) No more dating apps

4) Open phone policy

5) If anyone asks, you have a boyfriend. 

6) No secrets. Be open and honest to each other about any questions asked.

7) Anything else that you want to put in. But be fair and both adhere to the agreement. No double standards. 

Once you agree on the standards, trade phones and put in your thumbprint. Allow her to do the same with your phone. If she doesn’t want to, she probably isn’t ready for a serious relationship yet. If you want, give her a cheap ring and declare her as your girlfriend. The night that my wife and I talked about going steady was her first romantic kiss with anyone. We also went out for ice cream that night.

The Purpose of Dating Steady

When you are dating steady, you are now being more careful of evaluating her worthiness as a future wife. You go on dates more regularly now, and now only with her. Hang out at her apartment and vice-versa, but no sleepovers. Take short trips with her, but keep your standards. Still, keep dates low cost. This is not the time to start simping all over her. At the same time, you need to open up a little more about yourself. Spend more regular time with her, but still continue to work on your goals as a man.

There are some specific dates that you should take her on to better evaluate if she is the right girl for you. Dinner and a movie may be enjoyable, but they will not give you the needed information to properly evaluate if she is worthy for marriage. Some ideas in no particular order:

1) Take her to do something strenuous. Hike, gym, sports. 

2) Take her swimming and see what she really looks like without makeup. You may be pleasantly surprised. 

3) If you have not done so, take her to church and pay attention to her attitude there. 

4) Take her to some charity project, preferably something that involves real labor. 

5) If possible, take her to watch some kids. See if her motherly instincts show.

6) Visit her friends, they may give you some insight on who she really is.

7) Visit her family. 

8) Take her out shopping on your dime (birthday or Christmas) and see how frugal she is.

9) Cook with her

10) Take her to a museum or symposium and see if she has anything between her ears. 

Make note of any red flags. Ask her about her past. Yes, you may be prying, but you need to know before you commit your life to her. It would be a pity if you get married and find out something that would have been a deal breaker after the fact. 

Also, as you are now officially boyfriend and girlfriend, turn up the passion some. Hugs and kisses, pat her butt, comment on how she looks. Don't make it a one way street though. She needs to give you the same energy that you give her. 

Back out if needed

You are not yet married, neither do you have any serious financial commitments yet. This time of evaluation is critical. Do not believe in the sunk cost fallacy. Just because you devoted a few months into her does not mean you are obligated to commit your life to her. If you spot some red flags, walk away. Those rules that you set up at the start (no dating others) are now in force. If you catch her going to the bar on her own, walk away before you really get hurt. If she doesn't give you her phone right away when you ask, same. Do not assume that she is the perfect little angel. Trust, but verify. 

If you do feel like you need to walk away, act decisively and never look back. You have some emotional investment and you will remember this relationship for the rest of your life. She took a piece of your heart with her, and you did the same to her. But once you make the decision, it is done, there is no putting Humpty Dumpty back together again. Simply trying again in a few years will only waste more time and reopen old wounds. Be honest and polite, no need to fight. Give her her things back, and let her be. Don't leave a door open, don't be "just friends". Once she is out of the picture, start asking girls out again.

Time management

Couples can be boyfriend/girlfriend for years, especially if they move in together and/or have regular sex. Their relationship does not progress because it has became comfortable in their situation. If you are a man, don't gift your girlfriend to any serious financial help either. If you do, she became your concubine and you are living a life in limbo. What happens when you pass 30, or she passes 35? Marriage at this point becomes less attractive and you have destroyed yours and your girlfriends/concubines chances for a good traditional marriage with children. The boyfriend/girlfriend stage should be temporary and slightly uncomfortable so you two are urged to either seal the deal or break it off. That means that you hold back on the most perks of a full relationship until the appropriate level of commitment is achieved. 

Sure, you need to find out all you can so you can make a rational decision about marriage, but that does not need to take years. Ask a lot of questions, ask the right questions, actively put her in different situations to observe her personality. Call her out if you pick up on any lies or inconsistencies. Be open and honest with her so she can break up with you if needed. From going steady to marriage should be 1 to 2 years. I did about 10 months, but we dated non-exclusively for a year and wrote each other on our missions for 2 years. 

Conclusion

From first meeting her until marriage, dating should be a deliberate, step by step process to evaluate if she is worth committing to. With each step brings greater perks, but also greater responsibilities and expectations. You two demonstrate commitment to each other as you work to fulfill each other's expectations. 

My wife and I started dating steady about three weeks after I returned from my mission. We had already dated off and on prior to that and wrote each other on occasion during our missions, so it wasn't really all that quick. It was a great time where we showed real affection and spent time really getting to know each other. I don’t know if we did all those dates I listed, but we sure had a good time learning about each other.