Sex Before Marriage

 

STANDARD DATING PROCEDURE 6 - THE QUESTION OF SEX

 

To poke or not to poke, that is the question

Preface

For those of you who are not familiar with who I am, I am a 47 year old Civil Engineer. I have been happily married for 19 years. We have six kids in a very traditional home. We don't even have a TV so you may have to forgive me that most of my cultural references are from the 1990's or earlier.. I grew up in an agnostic home, believing the philosophy of science and whatever the world teaches. When I was 23, I was introduced to the LDS (Mormon) Church through a sacred experience, friends and dating. Having experience in both the secular and religious homes, I like to write articles about how to improve oneself and especially how to improve family relationships. I try to keep my preaching to a minimum, especially if it is specifically my religion, but that doesn't always happen as my beliefs have shaped my opinions in such matters. If anything, I will give the general Christian points of doctrine, referencing only the Bible. 

This article is the sixth in a series that I started in November on another website. That website has been floundering for the past year because of an injury and my lack of ambition to write. It was simply too much to properly maintain myself. Since then, I have healed and started to write regularly again. I have been invited to write here, so for the time being, I plan to write an article here every Wednesday. Please, if you don't agree with what I say, tell me. I enjoy debates, as long as opinions are respectfully shared and discussions don't degrade into blind name calling. That is how ideas get shared and how we can learn from one another. I will try to be respectful if you do the same. 

The Article

Sex is a wonderful thing. Properly maintained, it will bind relationships, fulfill innate desires within us, be very entertaining, create children and provide a way to demonstrate compassion to your most loved one. God gave us these bodies with a strong sexual drive within us for these reasons. 

But there is a negative side as well. Sex can also destroy. There are issues like disease, infidelity, psychological scarring, illegitimate children, destruction of pair bonding, breaking up other relationships, jealousy, rage and a host of other problems that can be created with the improper use of this act.

Like many other powerful tools (fire, chainsaws, shotguns, nuclear power, government, etc.), sex is very good under the right circumstances, but needs to be ran responsibly or it may backfire and cause serious unintended damage. As a parent, nearly all of us want our children to refrain from having sex until they are at least old enough to do so safely, make sensible decisions, and shoulder the responsibilities on their own. Similar to this lies the question we need to ask ourselves, "Are we mature and established enough to be safe, make sensible decisions, and shoulder the responsibilities ourselves?"

My Opinion

I am a member of  the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and the official church standard is no sex outside of marriage, period. Since joining the church at 23, that is a standard that I have upheld and intend to uphold until I die. My wife has also upheld those standards throughout her life. But, I am a realist and I know that most in today's society do not hold themselves to as strict of a standard. For my opinion, I need to remove my religious hat for a bit and think of what would serve as the best outcome for an individual who eventually intends to be married.

From a secular point of view, my short answer would be to refrain from having sex until either you are strongly committed to being married to a particular individual, or beyond the point of the possibility of wanting to be married and/or having children with anyone. Doing so would allow strong pair bonding with your spouse, something that erodes with multiple partners, and still allow for sex for those who have zero intention for a family. 

This chart shows probability of divorce within 5 years compared to number of sexual partners. The 2 partner bump is probably due to an individual pair bonding with someone else from their past. Pair bonding is eroded as there are more sexual partners introduced. This trend has increased recently. 

For The Women

Guys are jealous creatures. You see this in the animal kingdom. Although they don't take care of their young, male lions will fight, often to the death, to obtain exclusive sexual rights to a harem of lionesses. If there are any young fathered by another lion, they will often kill those cubs, ensuring genetic superiority within the specie. While men are not typically as violent as lions, the same emotions of jealousy, rage, and territorialism do exist with men. This is backed up by data.  A step-father or live-in boyfriend is 10 to 20 times as likely to abuse her children as a natural father. We do not want a woman that has has ran around with the football team, had children from other guys, or anything like it. We want a woman who remains untainted by other men and commits herself totally to him. We want children that are ours, not being tricked into raising some other man's child. A man will go to great lengths to find a woman like that, including wait years for marriage, and support her to the best of his ability for the rest of his life. 

You may think you can get away with a "hot girl summer" and then settle down with a good man after you had a few years of fun. Men may not know the details of what went on, but there are clues that you pick up and we men can discern some things. Besides, would you want to live your life as a lie, or would you want to have a clear conscious and be able to walk proudly with your husband and without any secrets? What if you run into one of your old flings and your husband finds out that you gave the guy back door action, but you never do the same for your husband? Divorces have came from situations like this. No guy wants to be 2nd best, and still have to support you anyway. 

Sex is a crutch for women in the dating market. It gives them a huge carrot that they can dangle in front of a jackass to lead him around. It is a massive source of power for women. But at the same time, because it is so powerful, a woman does not have to work on herself in order to attract men. She can simply wear skimpy outfits, give out sex like candy, and nearly all men will be begging for a chance to date her. Here is the kicker though, it may be useful in enticing men to take you out for dinners, but it is not enough to convince a man to marry you. What is more, if you never worked to attract a man outside the bedroom, you will not have enough to attract the successful men out there. Also, the more partners you have before him, the less he will want to commit to you. Many women out there struggle with regret when they devalued themselves in the eyes of men before they are ready to settle down.

One major principle to have a happy husband is to give him more in the bedroom than you ever gave anyone else. If you keep yourself clean in your youth, that will be easy. But, if you did one night stands, but made your husband wait, he will not take kindly to that. He is dedicating his life to you, you need to do the same to him. Sure, we all have a past that may be embarrassing and you may be seeking forgiveness from God and turning your life around. But here is the thing, God forgives the truly penitent, but your husband, or guys considering you for a wife, might not. Sorry, it is what it is.

For The Men

Granted, women typically don't care as much if the men slept around as men care if their women slept around. Some women even get excited by the prospect. Here is the kicker though, this is also a question of integrity. The best women who maintain their virginity until they are engaged or married will expect the men that they consider for marriage to do the same.

I had a long term girlfriend in High School and we had regular sex for about six months. I then broke it off with her. Other than that, I never had sex with anyone but my wife. When we were engaged, I told my wife about this and she was OK with it. In later discussions on the subject, she told me she was OK because that was before I went to church and made the covenants to hold the law of chastity. I asked her what she would have done if I were a player and slept with dozens, she said she would have broken it off because she doesn't see those guys as being honest. 

The good girls out there want a Chad that other women swoon over, but not a guy that sleeps around with those women. 

Maintaining Your Chastity

If you are madly in love with someone and they have the same feelings for you, it can be tough to keep your hands off of each other, especially as your wedding day approaches. Some things you can do:

1) Make sure both of you are on the same page sexually. If this is something that she strongly believes in, and you don't think it is important at all, there will be conflict. I have seen relationships end if their beliefs on chastity are too different, Either that, or the wedding day is pushed forward to ASAP. On the other hand, I suppose you two can just decide to go for it, but if you decide to break up, you just got a notch on your bedpost and the bell cannot be unrung.

2) Mike Pence rules. Following some rules will help you stay out of trouble. Stay in public, or semi-public places while dating. Take her home before 11pm. No laying down with her. No hands where a bikini would cover. No grinding. No nudity. No "Netflix and Chill". There may be other rules you can decide on. My wife and I had those rules before we married. I slept outside in a tent when I visited her folks or we traveled together. Certainly, we bent some of those rules, but we maintained our distance enough that she would wear white on our wedding day with a clear conscious. 

3) Speak up. I'd admit, with my wife/fiancé, I was typically the one who wanted to push the envelope on what we would do, and she typically would be the one telling me to back off. But there are a few times that I told her to back off. For instance, we were about a month away from being married, and we were making out in the kitchen, she presses against me and I'm pinned between her and the kitchen counter, which is just the height of my unit. Of course it springs up to say hello. I tell her what is going on and we stop making out right there. 

What if you are not dating for marriage?

This series is for people who at least want to keep open the possibility of marriage. Honestly, sex is enticing, but it isn't the end-all-be-all of human existence. You are rubbing your genitalia on another person for a biological response of endorphins and memories. In the end, it feels good but there is nothing really accomplished. 

Some choices in life are irreversible. If you think you ever want to be married and/or have children, you should not sleep around. Can you imagine having your teenage daughter learn that you had a past, then telling her they they can't run around like that? Could you imagine the issues with your future spouse that would inevitably arise? 

Maybe you two are planning on getting married and you decide that is something you can do now that you are in a strong committed relationship. I just write here, I can't make the decisions for you. Discuss it with your fiancé and do what you think is right. That would be far, far better than the plethora of one night stands going on today. 

However, once you decide you are absolutely not going to marry, and you feel like you must fool around, go to the doctor and get yourself removed from the gene pool. Then, go out to the bars and casinos, around the liquor and wild women, go have your fun. One thing though, try to make sure you are not messing up things for others. Jealous husbands do sometimes get violent. Also, make sure you and God are homies in the end, or at least carry fire insurance, and penicillin.