The Proposal

 

LET'S THE DISCUSS THIS PROPOSAL OF THE PROPOSAL

 

Proposals aren't just about romance

When I proposed to my wife, I was still fairly ignorant of modern society. I did not realize the legal dangers and the likelihood of divorce. I am still glad I did get married however. For 19 years, my wife has proved to me to be trustworthy and dependable. But if I knew then what I know now and already seen both my brothers go through divorce, I would have taken more precautions prior to proposing to her.  Really, now I feel like I gambled and won with her.

When I was dating her, I was thinking of asking. I was eyeing the jewelry stores when I was by myself, looking for a good ring that a broke college student could afford. She had a ring on her finger, and took it playing around and put it on my pinky to get a feel for the size she needed. I think she got a hint what was going on there. Anyway, I go to the store and ask the clerk to show me the ring sizer. I put the thing on my pinky and get a number and pick out a ring. After that, I just go home without buying it. The following week, just before spring break, my wife hints at me about wanting to get married. I promptly go to the store and buy the $200 ring. I call up her dad and ask him permission to marry her. Then I take her for a walk in the a secluded nearby park and propose to her (her apartment was crowded with roommates). Then, I take her out to eat at a proper restaurant, first time I spent over $20 on a date with her.

My Mistake

Although my situation turned out well so far, if I look back, I can see that I put myself in unnecessary risk. I have no prenuptial agreement, I have no binding document to protect me legally if my wife decided to go psycho, cheat, wreck me financially or anything else you hear in these divorce horror stories. With my wife giving up her career to be a full time mom and me supporting her and six kids, I would be ruined if we got divorced and she decided to go for the jugular in court.

A Proposal 

I am just brainstorming here, but if I were to do it all over again, I would not have made the proposal a surprise. (Not that it was a surprise anyway) A decision as monumental as marriage should never be taken lightly or sprung on someone, especially in public. Instead I would have used that as an opportunity to get the necessary questions out of the way with the following steps:

1) Get a soft confirmation that she wants to get married to YOU. Just talk with her and get it out of her. Don't propose to her yet, just make sure she wants this. She may bring up the matter herself. Also, ask her dad as a traditional formality. 

2) Talk with a family law attorney and explain your situation. Get some ideas on a prenup and questions you should ask her before you propose. Add them to the following list.

3) Interview your girlfriend. This may be a little awkward, but doing so would go to great lengths to protect yourself and her emotionally and legally. Record the conversation, type up her answers and have those answers notarized as a legal document so if you need it, it will be admissible in court. After you interview her, invite her to interview you as well. 

The questions I would ask would be probing questions that may be deal breakers or be significant issues if you two got married. Even if you already know the answer, it would be helpful to ask them to get them on a legal document in case of divorce and you catch her lying about these matters in the future. Start off by telling her directly that you are considering marrying her, but you need some things clarified and legal issues resolved first. Ask her to keep her answers short, direct, and honest so you can make the correct decision. Tell her that some of these questions are none of your business if you are only casually dating, but if you are considering marriage, they become integral to your business and you need to know in order to decide whether commit your life to her or not. 

Some possible questions:

a) Do you have faith in God? How much do you attend church and how much do you intend to attend church when we are married? 

b) What is your sexual history? How many people have you had sex with? Have you done any sexual activities with others that you cannot or will not do with me? Have you ever had any homosexual activities or interests? Do you view pornography and/or masturbate regularly? Have you ever taken money for sex or for illicit pictures? Have you ever posted illicit pictures online?  Do you intend to have regular sex with me, at least weekly if both of us are reasonably healthy? Do you intend to obey the law of chastity and not have any sexual relations with anyone else? What are your thoughts on open marriage?

c) Do you have, or have you had any addiction problems? Illegal drugs, prescription drugs, marijuana, alcohol, tobacco? Have you ever used any of these substances? Do you intend to use any of these substances when we are married? Have you had any behavioral addictions like social media, video games, gambling or excessive television? Have you ever been anorexic, bulimic, or had other eating disorders?

d) Do you have any debts, financial obligations, or noteworthy assets? Do you intend to be open and honest about your spending? Will you discuss with me any and all major purchases (over $500)?

e) Are there any traumatic events from your past that I should be aware of? How did you handle them?

f) Have you committed any felonies, whether you were caught or not? What were they? Have you ever spent time in jail?

g) Do you have or have you had any significant behavioral issues, depression, anxiety, or other mental problems? Have you ever seen a therapist? Are you taking any medications for these?

h) Do you have any permanent health issues that I should be aware of? What are they? Will they have any effects on your future?

i) How many kids would you want? If we can't have children for some health reason, would you consider adoption?

j) Would you want to work if we get married? What if I had health problems and couldn't work? Would you prefer to be a stay at home mom/wife? If so, will you keep the house reasonably clean, maintained and cook regular meals? 

Thank her for the interview and express love to her. If she answers anything that makes you reconsider proposing to her, the interview has done it's job and you have some thinking to do. 

Some may say that it is the past and is not your business. Maybe not if you are only dating, but this is consideration for marriage, where it becomes every bit of your business. You still are not obligated to marry her at this point and backing out would amount to a the cost of dozens of dates and a year or two of time down the drain, but it is far better than marrying someone that has issues that cannot be resolved. 

If all you see are green flags, or few enough red flags that you still want to pursue, this will still be useful as it will serve as a standard for the two of you as you get married and have a family. It will be especially useful if you get a prenup and discover she lied to you in a divorce. Those answers may hold some weight in court if done right. 

4) Once you two interview each other, use that document to create a rough draft of a prenup. Look online for help. Then, take the interview questions and your prenup to your girlfriend and ask if she has any concerns. Take all that to the family law attorney so he can create an official prenup for the two of you. Both sign it and get it notarized. This may take a couple steps if she does not agree with you in matters on the prenup, but it needs to be done.

5) Once she signs it and the documents are recorded, then you buy a ring, plan a big date, propose to her and do all that romantic crap she wants. 

Conclusion

Yes, an interview and a prenup are not the most romantic gestures, but neither is getting your life destroyed through divorce. Modern society has created a dangerous legal situation for men and you need to protect yourself at all times. These uncomfortable steps would be best just before you propose to her, when you have the most leverage in the relationship by not being fully committed. Most guys (myself included) just throw away this opportunity that you will never get back.

Now that you have proposed and she accepted, you are now done with the weeding phase of dating. From when you first saw each other and saw each other’s appearance, there was constant systemic testing going on. Those who failed were cut out. Now, you think you found the best you can get. Now that phase in your relationship should be over. For good and bad, she is now yours and you are hers, with all the quirks, annoying habits and other flaws. Now comes the next phase of both working to grow and improve your relationship.