Preface
This is a topic that I feel is one of the most important subjects in this entire series. Today, we have media, society, government and women denigrating the traditional role of the father. Gone are the days of "Leave it to Beaver" where the father holds a respected role within the family in the media. Gone are the days where an average man can support a wife and family without additional resources from either government or the wife working too. Gone are the days where most women respect and support their husbands as he fulfills his role as leader, protector, and provider.
As I go in to this three part subset, I want to emphasize that I am talking about the ideal situation, not specifically what I do, or what the average people do. This is about what we should do.
Harold B. Lee (old dead president of the LDS church) said in a church leadership training meeting, "the most important of the Lord's work you will ever do will be the work you do within the walls of your own home. Home teaching, bishopric's work, and other Church duties are all important, but the most important work is within the walls of your home". I would bring this a step further to include your career, hobbies, and community responsibilities take a back seat to your position within the home. This does not mean you neglect your other roles in life, it means that your home takes priority over other matters. Be engaged with your family when you are home. After all, your family is your main purpose in life.
Understand that with only the rarest of exceptions, your family is your only real lasting legacy. I have a great-great grandfather who was a state senator. 150 years later, nobody would even recognize his name or even know what he did. Today, his descendants are making more of an impact on the world than his years as lawmaker ever did.
Being a Leader
As father, you preside as leader in the home with assistance, counsel, and encouragement from your wife. As an effective leader, you find ways to motivate and encourage the members of your family to do what they need to do to build a more cohesive network.
The Apostle Paul taught, "the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church" - Ephesians 5:23. Christ is the head of the Church. When he walked on the earth, he led, inspired, motivated, and loved the small band of followers around him. He asked, not coerced. He taught powerful messages to help people see how to live better lives. We too need to emulate that behavior in our own family. There are some examples where Christ rebukes his followers, but it is always in a spirit of love and wanting them to improve their lives, not "getting even" or justifying selfish pride.
Leadership is not being the boss of people, it is teaching correct principles encouraging, and demonstrating those principles by being a good example. As you set that example most will follow, and some will even surpass your expectations.
Back in my earlier days of parenting, I thought I could get kids to do something by spanking, other punishments, or just brute force. What I have learned is that you may get them to clean the living room, but it builds resentment, and that resentment will show up as negative behavior elsewhere. Just like your supervisor can get more work out of you by yelling, micromanaging and threatening termination, but in the long term will be detrimental for the good of the company, you being too harsh to your children will be detrimental to your family.
Instead, show love and encouragement. There may be times you need to rebuke your children, but make sure they know that you want the best for them.
Wife as Counselor
Second in charge is your wife. She is your companion, your helpmate. Before you make decisions that impact your family as a whole, talk over matters with your wife. You may benefit from another perspective, or be reminded of other issues that you are unaware of.
When discussing matters with your wife it is extremely important to not reward her for going on an emotional tirade by just letting her have her way. Be firm in your decision making process and look at logic. Refer to my previous article about
resolving conflict. As a man, you make the final decision, but be considerate to hers or your children's wishes. At times, you should do what they desire instead of your thing in order to keep harmony and eliminate resentment that would arise if you always get your way.
We have been planning a vacation for the end of summer this year. Nothing was concrete. I wanted to go to Yellowstone. I got the time off scheduled several months ago, and told my wife what I generally wanted to do. After some debate (oldest boy wanted to go to Zion, but we decided it would be too hot in August), my wife suggested we call a friend of hers that spends time up there every year for suggestions. Afterwards, I tell her some places I want to visit there, and let her make the reservations and plan the details. Personally, I have never been there and so one choice is as good as another in my mind. No need to dictate what we do. A good general will just give basic overview of what needs to happen, and will let the others figure out the details. This is no different.
Ways to give Strong Spiritual Leadership
1. Be the spiritual leader within your home. As applicable to you religion, perform ordinances for your children. Give blessings, baptize them ordain your sons to the priesthood. Lead in family prayer, daily scripture reading, and take your family to church weekly. Be involved in their spiritual growth. Teach them your beliefs and see that your home is decorated with reminders of your faith. Live the example they need.
2. Go on daddy-daughter dates and father-and-son's outings with your children. Even if it is grabbing one of them to run to town for errands, stop by the ice cream store with them. Go to their ball games and recitals. Show that you have a strong interest in them as individuals. They will return that with more respect and admiration toward you.
3. Have traditions of family vacations and other outings. We do at least one major backpacking trip each year. Everyone will recall those memories and will be some of the best assets of your years as a father. I have found it can be a powerful tool for developing character in yourself and your children.
4. Have regular formal one-on-one visits with everyone in your family. Every Sunday, I meet with everyone to discuss goals they are working on. I give them a jelly bean for fulfilling a goal. At this time, we may also discuss more pressing matters. Last week, I brought my wife in to discuss with my oldest son the financial prospects of him getting a car.
Maybe "formal" is too strong of a word, but we sit on our bed, out of earshot of the others and discuss: 1) how they did on their daily chores (I pay their allowance through that, depending on how they did); 2) Any scheduling issues and plans for the coming week; 3) how they did on personal goals (physical, intellectual, social, and spiritual); and 4) any other matters that need to be brought up in a private manner. Takes about an hour for us to run through it, and my wife will interview me.
5. Be an example for them. Do your best to not be a hypocrite and live a good life.
Remember, your job as a leader is yours and no one else's. Government cannot do it, your wife cannot do it effectively by herself, neither can TV, schools, daycare, or any mentor, teacher, or neighbor. You alone as man of the house is the difference between a well rounded son or daughter with integrity and the countless whiny soy boys, mental cases or criminals who have issues because of a lack a proper family structure in their lives.
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