The First Few Years

 

THE FIRST FEW YEARS

 

The first years are fun and a time to establish good habits.

Ah yes, the good old days, both of us were young and healthy. We were constantly horny and logistics was still not too complicated with kids yet. My wife was 23, I was 28 when we married. She was halfway through her senior year in college, I was halfway through my Junior year. We had all our college friends around and no money to speak of. Playing house became real and it was a lot of fun with new experiences and new joys. 

That being said, it was also somewhat rocky at the start in a few respects.  We each had annoying ticks that got on each other's nerves. We were more prone to argue as we haven't developed the skills necessary to temper emotions and communicate effectively. I still didn't know where her line in the sand is with teasing her and she also crossed my line often too. Her cooking was lacking, and I didn't know how to comfort a crying woman. 

When we are first married, everything is new and exciting. There are new experiences and new challenges. No longer could we focus the majority of our trust to our parents for advice and council. That trust now goes to our spouse, or you just try to use your own best intuition. The changes come so radically that it is like starting a new life. Only this time even though you are married, you are on your own in a way that you never have been before. 

Like raising a child, the first few years of marriage are very important in establishing rules, expectations, boundaries, and habits. Whether intentional or not, they do form with time. It is best to be intentional about developing those habits early in your marriage when those habits are still malleable.

Spiritually

Start off your family with a strong connection with God. The man should be the spiritual leader of the home. Typically, if the man goes to church, the whole family goes. I see this at church when there are moms who bring their kids to church but dad stays home. Sometimes, kids will come to church by themselves, but it is rare to see a man take kids to church or go by himself and the wife stays home. Having a cohesive family strong in the gospel will be very important, especially as the children grow into their teenage years. Start off right with attending church regularly as a whole family.

Similarly, it is  our duty to see that both adhere to the covenants and standards you made when you got married.  Along with church, see to it that the gospel standards are kept within your home. See to it that you read the scriptures together as a couple and as a family daily. Pray as a couple and with your children as they come. Fill your home with good influence and do your best to improve your language or other vulgar behavior within your home. If you are struggling with any addictions, work with your spouse and/or counselors as necessary to take that monkey off your back. You don't want to have to explain to your children why it is alright for you to drink and they cannot. As a family, it is our duty to one another to help and support each other if one or more is struggling.

Electronics and Media

Electronics are a big deal. If misused, individuals can shut themselves off from the family, causing resentment to grow and time wasted. If abused, electronics can be the gateway to terrible behavior. Pornography, social media addiction, and online gambling can destroy. Inappropriate movies can wear on a persons spirituality. Try to limit your time spent with electronics. Keep a watch on what each other is viewing. Discuss what is appropriate and monitor each other. 

We have our computer in the front room so people cannot view things in private. Also, phones are all open password and open to be checked at any time. Check all electronics on occasion. We have found our kids viewing inappropriate content on occasion and been able to take necessary steps to help them. We disconnect the wifi at bedtime so no one is tempted to stay up late viewing things on their devices. These habits may seem restrictive, but if you see some kids who have their faces glued to their phones constantly, they don't know how to entertain themselves when they are unplugged from the matrix. 

Instead, make sure that your home is surrounded with good media. Put up reminders of Christ, get a piano and learn to play it. Also, have a quality sound system so you can enjoy listening to good music as a family.

In the Bedroom

Sex can be confusing and stressful at times, especially if one or both of you are new at it or there are radically different ideas on what is acceptable. Maybe you don't know how to turn her on, and vice versa. You grind away at her crotch and expect her to be thrilled about it. You don't understand why she isn't impressed with you tearing off her clothes and pouncing on her. Meanwhile, she gets to resent that you want sex all the time. So, you get frustrated and back off. She then is frustrated too that you are not tearing off her clothes and pouncing on her anymore. 

Communication is key, but it is difficult when emotions flare and feelings get hurt, which is very easy to do when communicating about sex. One of the best things we have done is we got a book on this subject and we read it out loud together. It took us several months to read it because as we read it, we ended up discussing things, or getting turned on and moving on to better things. Some suggestions are "And they were not ashamed" for newlyweds who are still uncomfortable with sex, or "Ride 'em cowgirl" for couples who are looking to spice things up in the bedroom.

Also, take things slow but push the envelope as you two become more comfortable with each other. Do your best to make it an enjoyable experience for both of you. Maybe you want to look at a toy catalogue or improvise to create new experiences, or go for a drive and go "stargazing", but don't go overboard and make either of you uncomfortable. Be fun about it and it will be a big part of your marriage. If you do it right, your sex life will continue to improve clear into your 40's. Honestly, our sex life is as good as it has ever been.

If you have kids, lock your door. It may not be necessary for the first 3 months when the baby is totally ignorant of what you are doing, but after that your bedroom should be yours and your wife's only. You don't run and jump on your kids' beds, they shouldn't get the same privilege of playing on your bed. Also, set a strict bed time for the kids that allows for some alone time with your wife. Our 18 year old son grumbles about having to go to bed at 9 on school nights or 9:30 on weekends, but when he gets his own house, he can make his own rules. That alone time with your wife is very important to maintain a strong spousal relationship.  

Also, don't have a TV in the bedroom, at least until you become an old fart that couldn't care less about sex or talking with your wife. That time spent watching TV could be spent in better ways.

Now that you are married, sex should be more enjoyable than ever. Gone are the feelings of guilt and sin associated with pre-marital sex. You can now spend as much time together as you want. Depending on if you want kids or not right away, protection is optional, or switch to some other method over condoms. My wife prefers an IUD. When we first married, even though we were in college, we let the babies come right away. Our oldest was born 9 months and one week after we married. When our first baby arrived, my wife just graduated and I was in my senior year of college.

Money

Taking care of the bills can be fairly stressful, especially if your wife is totally ignorant of what the money is doing or vice-versa. At the same time, there needs to be only one chef in the kitchen, otherwise bills occasionally get double-paid, or not paid at all. When we first married, my wife and I were different with bills. She liked to do it by checks, ledgers and all hard copy mail. I like spreadsheets and doing most of it online. She liked to put off paying the bill until the last minute, I like to pay it as soon as we get the notice. Early on, I had her handle the bills because my Mom did it when I was growing up. But, with time, I just felt like a third wheel with our financial situation and was unsure about how it was spent, or if we had money in our account.

You two should be on the same page with spending, If she is a money waster and if you dated right, you should have caught that red flag and culled her out of your life. If you missed it, you may need to set up separate accounts for spending money and bill money and see to it that those accounts are honored. Many marriages are destroyed over money issues like that. My wife and I will discuss when there is a decent sized purchase so we can bounce different ideas or options available.

About six years ago, my wife and I took a 12 week personal finance class, and I think it was well worth the time we spent. I wish we did that early in our marriage. Through it, we learned about budgeting, investing, accounting, and how to do it within your home. We switched it up and I created a excel spreadsheet to handle all of that. I took over paying the bills, but every week, I will invite my wife over to show her the updates on our money situation so she doesn't feel left out. I highly recommend taking a personal finance class together with your wife. Not just for finances, but also so the two of you can better agree on financial matters. If anything, I would recommend reading a financial book together.

In-laws

Both my wife and I have family in Oregon, but they live in opposite corners of the state. They can be a source of stress, but helpful as well. Unless you have problems, try to visit each family at least annually so they can see your kids grow and you become more familiar with them. Keep your visits limited to 3 nights or less. Even if you get along well with your in-laws, sleeping in their spare bedroom or on their floor can get old very fast. Right now as we are in Utah, we will typically take a week off and visit both on the same trip, just drive a big triangle. 

Your parents have useful advice, but please don't do only what they say. They are no longer your masters. When you marry, you move out and cleave onto your wife. If they are pushy, make some time and distance. If you are too close to either one of your parents, your spouse may feel like a third wheel and there will be friction.

Every Sunday afternoon, I will call up my parents to say hello and give them any updates on how things are going. My wife calls her mom far more often, but when I come home, her priority comes to me. 

Work

Ideally,  you work as a man so your wife can stay home and concentrate on domestic matters. With only one income, you may need to cut back on spending, but it is worth it for the kids. If she does her job at home well, her contribution will be more to the home than the costs she incurs. (not all contribution is monetary) Expect her to cook from raw ingredients and to be a wife. I would rather be in a poor, loving family than in a wealthy, but cold and stressed out home with both parents working. If you are working more than 60 hours regularly, or are away too much, find a solution to change that. It is your home too. My wife never worked after we married. Even the summer when I was in college, I threw lumber in a local sawmill. My wife was pregnant at the time and she stayed home.

My uncle told me a story about when he married my aunt in college. He went in as an electrical engineer, she as a teacher. He told me that shortly before they married, my grandpa pulled him aside and says, "If my daughter gets a job as a teacher, don't you let her spend one cent of that money she makes. Instead, invest it all into the market and let that money grow. When you want kids and she wants to stay home, then it won't be any shock to your finances for her to come home". My uncle took that advice. They both worked for 10 years or so and invested all of her earnings into stocks. While doing this, he really got into trading stocks, so much that he quit engineering and became a full time stock broker. They were unable to have kids of their own, but when she was 33 or so, they adopted three kids and she stayed home to raise the kids. The stock investment grew and they were able to grow their portfolio. They are now retired millionaires. 

Not every man can support a whole family by himself, and there may be trials where your wife needs to help or do all of the wage earning. Individual adaptation will be necessary at times. However, if you are taking on large unnecessary debts, you have no room to complain when you end up having to eat frozen dinners for the 4th time that week because you and your wife are too busy to cook. That brings me to my next subject: 

Health

Approaching 30 is a time when your metabolism starts to slow down. Also, if you get regular sex with the same partner, your testosterone declines, both of which leads to less energy and more belly. On top of this, your newlywed wife will want to cook you good meals, but is still inexperienced in the kitchen. Until she gains the skills, it will be Mac-N-Cheese and other kinds of fattening food. You will want to show appreciation for those home cooked meals by eating a lot of it, don't. Drop hints that you want more healthy cooking and she will learn to improve. Be very conscious of this and work to maintain a healthy diet, and make it a point to get regular exercise, preferably together. Take the babies out in a stroller and run around. Your kids are tougher than you think. Maintaining your weight may have been incredibly easy in your 20's and earlier but in your 30's and later , you have to make a conscious effort at it. 

When I was in college, I bought myself a Betty Crocker cookbook and set a goal to make each recipe that I could afford at least once. I spent the time to get the right ingredients at the store and worked on that project for a year. While doing this, read the tips in the front. It was one of the more beneficial things I learned while in college. My oldest daughter did the same, with a goal to do 100 recipes, she now rivals my wife's and my skills. 

Along with this is regular exercise. Your friends won't be around nearly as much to play basketball. If you have the means, enroll in a gym and go at least 3x/week. As long as you keep going to the gym regularly, the membership cost is well worth it. A lifetime gym membership is far less costly than a single trip to the ER for a heart attack, and it will enable you to do enjoyable sports and activities far longer. I will also take my family out hiking and rock climbing as much as possible. My wife and I will also walk to the post office and back regularly. Not only is it exercise, it is healthy time alone with your spouse.

Attractiveness 

Since you were in High School, you worked hard at being attractive. Now is not the time to stop. If anything, you need to pay more attention to it. Shower before you go to bed rather than in the morning. Maintain your wardrobe, work out, etc. Your wife will be more attracted to you which will improve your sex life. There is no slacking, ever. And please, don't  hike your leg to fart in front of your wife or pick your nose and wipe boogers on the sofa.

Many couples allow themselves to get too comfortable once they are married and then wonder why their husband/wife stopped having sex and/or started cheating. This is a big reason.

Along with attractiveness, make sure you two keep the romance up. We will usually do a monthly date and leave the kids at home. It may be more difficult when you are broke with little kids at home. 10 years ago, we would hire a baby sitter every other month or so and do some low cost date. Or, if you are good friends with a similar aged couple with kids, offer to swap nights so they can go out too. In addition to date night, make sure you spend quality time with her. My wife and I will go to the gym together or walk to the post office together at least 3-4x/week. 

One word of caution, make sure that effort for keeping a mutual attraction goes both ways. If you feel like you are working at it way harder than she is, say something and try to encourage her. Throw compliments on anything at all that stands out well. If there is a mismatch in effort, it could be a sign of depression. This disconnect can be very damaging to both of you.

Learn how to resolve conflict

One of your bigger challenges will be learning how to resolve conflict. Learn how to resolve matters in an non-combative, mutually respectful manner. Curb your temper, and understand that the goal is to resolve the matter at hand, not to be right or to come off superior. Read these: Anger and Resolving Conflict

My wife and I still have some issues with this on occasion, but it has gotten much, much better over the years. I was the type to shut down and be resentful, she was the type to get loud and argumentative. Either way, nothing is actually communicated in arguments. Learn to discuss the unhappy topics in a calm voice and learn to listen, including repeating what she said so you understand her point of view. Keep the discussions simple and work to resolve rather than try to get your way. 

Conclusion

I have really enjoyed writing this series. The world is collapsing into turmoil from the lack of morality. The world may be in shambles, but you as an individual do not have to be that way. There are good people everywhere, and if you maintain good traditional values, you will be able to find those with good traditional values out there. Long standing traditions become long standing because they work. There is no need to reinvent the wheel. Maybe because of modern technology, we need to figure out how to use steel-belted radials, but we still use the basic concept for the wheel that has been used for thousands of years. 

Dating and marriage is no different. You learn about each other in a gradual but deliberate manner and at the same time, you commit to each other a little more with each step. The exact customs may change over the centuries, but the process is the same. When Jacob asked Rachel at the well for some water he was impressed at her generosity and worked for her dad for 14 years for her and for Leah. Today, we don't have multiple wives or massive dowries, but there is still work involved in demonstrating to each other that you are a suitable, hopefully ending with a lifelong commitment to each other.  

My wife keeps reminding me of this quote from a leader in our church "The greatest way you can show love to your kids is by loving your wife/husband". I firmly believe this. If you two have a stable marriage and you enjoy spending time together as a couple, your kids will grow up happy and healthy, even if you ditch your kids to take your wife out dancing. 

Your work is never done. Keep building, growing, and becoming the better person. The wedding is not the finish line, it is really near the start. But now that you have a team, you can grow in ways you couldn't have alone.